In a surprise move today, representatives from Al Qaeda met with Congressional leaders to request a $10 billion dollar bailout package. The meeting, at an undisclosed location, came amid reports that the terrorist organisation responsible for the 911 attacks was struggling financially as a result of the global economic crisis.
“We’re broke, basically,” says Farouk al-Hassan, spokesman for the group. “Terrorism is expensive at the best of times, but when even legitimate lines of credit start to dry up, it’s very difficult to get decent prices on Stinger missiles and Nikes packed with Semtex.”
al-Hassan went on to say “Look, we haven’t been too successful lately. Suicide bombings are way down, because we simply don’t have the money to pay the bomber’s family once the mission is completed. Seventy-two virgins goes a long way towards providing incentive for most of our martyrs, but a lot of these young kids coming up through the minor leagues want to see some cash first.”
When questioned about the irony of an organization that has vowed to destroy the United States asking for additional funding to carry out its plots, al-Hassan was unrepentant. “Give me a break! Wall Street, Freddie and Fannie, AIG, Citigroup, Ford, Chrysler and GM! They’ve all done far more to destroy your imperial Zionist Satan country than a bunch of guys in some planes ever could.”
“All we’re asking for is a little taste for Osama, Allah praise his name,” he continued. “As long as you’re throwing the money around to anyone who asks for it, how about sending some of it our way. He’s not made of money you know, even if he is from one of the richest families in the Arab world”
While receptive to the plight of Al-Qaeda, the members of Congress involved in the negotiations preferred not to reveal what their intentions are. Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said, after the meeting, “We’re not saying yes, and we’re not saying no. Certainly, Al-Qaeda put forward a very modest proposal, and they stressed the point that in the past terrorist acts have actually provided a boost to the economy, so we’d be foolish not to consider it.
“But we just feel at this time that there may be other sources for funding for them. Look at Iraq for instance. With a billions of dollars in surplus, they Iraqi government could easily finance a few campaigns during winter while Al-Qaeda restructures it’s operations.” Reid declined to comment further when it was pointed out to him that such a plan may compromise the already fragile situation in Iraq.
Reaction was sought from representatives of President-Elect Barack Obama’s team, but all who were interviewed declined to comment. However, at an appearance at an Anchorage pre-school fair, former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered the following:
“It’s like, gosh darn it, we need to get these people to working for the same stuff that our brave soldiers like my son Track in countries like Iraq and Africa to get our jobs and health care moving again, so that everybody has the same opportunities to be the greatest part of the real America in our small towns and places.
“You betcha!” she concluded, with a wink.
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